And just like that!

A welcomed weight lifted from my shoulders - 2012 is here ♥ .

Right place, wrong time or wrong place, right time?

There are moments when you feel that this could be right, just not now.
Then there are moments when you realise it's wrong, which then makes it the right time.

Tick.. tick..

Something clicks over. Your heart catches up to your head.

To my favourite old scrooge..

" New years is a time to stop and reflect on the year that's gone by. To remember both our triumphs and missteps,  our promises made and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down in fear of them. It's about another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. Embrace it and celebrate it. "

Stop scrooging around and make the most of what could be. It's a fresh start if you make it one.

Stand still.

When you feel like your world should stop, sometimes the best thing for you is that it keeps spinning.

empty.

Losing something  you never knew, never loved and never wanted leaves an emptiness in you that you never knew was filled in the first place.

Stupidity and Fade outs.

A good friend told me that heartbreak is the second hardest thing to overcome - addiction being the first.
That death is easier to deal with because you have closure, where as when you're heartbroken, you're just left hurting and not sure why. My Dad told me once, after he and my mum split, that it takes half the time that you were together to get over someone and during that period, you'll go through the 7 stages of grief.

Shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, reflection and loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction, acceptance and hope.

Labelling steps to grief seems stupid, But i guess when you can see it in front of you and be given a time frame, its almost calming to see it put out on paper with a timeline. Giving you a sense of the end and a count down for when it will get better. But where is the fade out stage, or the stupidity stage?

Maybe its part of the other stages, but there seems to come a time that you just feel so overwhelmingly stupid. Like all you want to do is smash your head  against the wall with a massive what the fuck are you doing. When what you're feeling at the time seems to be so irrational and pointless because you're the only one that's not okay. You feel like you should be okay now, you're weak for still caring and weak for still hurting. When you wish you could take back everything you've said since the moment they left you. Re-do, rewind and relive.

Fade out. The time you realise you don't remember what it feels like. You no longer remember what it feels like to be with them, you don't remember how they smell, how they sound, their touch, you just know that you miss it. I think that hurts more than anything. I'm hoping this phase sets in just before the upward turn.

Hanging by a moment.

Desperate for changing. starving for truth. I'm closer to where i started, chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all i've held on to. I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you.
Forgetting all i'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation, if you'll take all of me now.
I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all i've held on to. I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you. I'm living for the only thing i know. I'm running and not quite sure where to go. And i don't know what i'm diving in to. Just hanging by a moment here with you.
There's nothing else to lose. There's nothing else to find. There's nothing in the world that could change my mind.
There is nothing else.
Desperate for changing. Starving for truth. I'm closer to where i started, chasing after you..

A decade under the influence

I like the times when you feel like you just have to get back to your roots - music wise.
New styles and genres are always fantastic, they brighten your day and make it that little bit more exciting to be able to add new songs to the soundtrack of your life. But everyone has that one genre, one band or one song that ignited their love for music. For me, the absolute core of my love for music came from two bands - Blink 182 and Lifehouse. I don't think i have ever been more dedicated to anything as i was to Blink 182 in my teens. They started my day, rode with me to school, helped me through maths class, took me through the night and cranked my weekends. Looking back, my mother was admirable to have put up with Happy Holidays You Bastard starting her mornings as well as mine day after day.
Lifehouse introduced me to a softer, more melodic rock. I remember the day i first heard Hanging by a Moment. I was ten. Haha. It was my Mums birthday and we were staying at the Hyatt and Rage was playing it. For some reason, that song has stayed with me. It's my go to song when i'm down and it's my go to song when i'm on top of the world. And no matter how many times i replay it, it still gives me the same feeling.
Rock and punk have always been the heart of my music loves. Yesterday, driving home from what seemed to be the longest day on earth, i felt the need for some loud, off tune car sing-a-longs. Taking Back Sunday was my first point of call. I love the feeling when your screaming out the words to your favourite song all in the privacy of your own bubble-like car, feeling as though no one can hear nor see your off tune stage performance. No traffic light, main road or car along side of me could stop the words pouring from my mouth and the percussion of my hands on the wheel. I love the feeling it gives you when they come on your stereo and all words flowing straight through you as if you wrote them yourself. The beat of songs that you've loved for years taking over. Clearing your head. Grounding you. Getting you back to your roots and where it all began. It's the best sort of 'Me' time.

The C word.

I have a potty mouth. Something gained accidentally after living with a tradie.
But I hate the C word. One word i never use. I hate that i just used it to describe someone i thought i'd always think highly of. I hate even more that all the reasons i did are gone. Disappointment i find is something that hurts a lot more than any heartbreak, relationship demise or wound.

White Flag

Finally came to my senses.

The notion of being in love with a non existent being is confronting. When the love you feel is only from a fragment of their mind, not them as an entity. I'm happy with my life and myself. There is not a single thing i've regretted in my life and i'm proud to say that. I've taken risks, plunges and i've worked hard until the very end at everything i've ever done. Im at peace with the person i am, accepting i am emotional, i am strong, i am loving, i am caring, i am fun, i am intelligent and i am beautiful. I can count my friends on one hand, and i'm so extraordinarily content with that. A life is wasted when high and numb are the only sides of you. When you're ashamed of your emotions, your passion and your loving nature. When you look at what you've given up over the years for what you have, the lost friendships, lost loves and lost time, i hope you feel no regret. We strive for acceptance, from ourselves and from others. Reinventing ourselves solves nothing. You can change your hair, your clothes, your surroundings, your façade, but at the end of the day, you're still you underneath it all and always will be. You can hide, you can bottle it, you can be ashamed of it - but all you've done is made me ashamed of you.

why?

Why is it that the only time i feel right is at a time that you no longer want.
But at the same time still do.
Which is something i'll never understand.

Did it!

Yep, dyed it red. Whoop!

Big kid.

I've been looking through photos tonight and ive never really noticed that ive grown up on the outside too. Its funny how you never notice people or yourself changing until you look back. Even the slight ones all add up eventually, creating a bundle of little events that impacted your life to create the person you are today.

-Start of high school. New Friends. Pouty teenage angst. Myspace. First parties. Study stage. Dark hair phase. Getting plastered every weekend phase. Braces. Going out. Blonde phase. Brisbane. 7 years of little things that make me who i am today - 

Feeling this.

I've always assumed we feel things for a reason. I'm feeling this way because this is happening and there are all these underlying factors that you can trace back to why you're feeling what you are. But feeling something that you just really don't know why is a hard thing to wrap your head around. Especially when you feel it one minute and don't the next. I wonder if sometimes we force ourselves to feel something when we don't. Or alternately, we subconsciously force ourselves to suppress feelings that shouldn't be. Either way, there seems to be a stigma surrounding what you should and shouldn't feel in near to all situations. We see psychologists and psychiatrists to try to understand why we feel the way we do, but should there really need to be a reason? Sure, our emotions come from a specific area of the brain and we all know that certain things can effect the chemicals that produce them. But why is it that as soon as something is unexplained, we're made to believe that there's something wrong with us. Why should they be suppressed or controlled? Statements made such as 'It shouldn't bother me, but it does,' - Who says it shouldn't? It bothers me, profusely, that we seem to be under the impression that it's wrong to feel a certain way in a given situation. Emotions are what set us apart from one another, our individuality. If you care, say so. If you dislike it, go ahead. If you're upset, be it. If you're happy, show it. If you're angry, it happens. Don't let them go unsaid. Don't be scared of the effect they'll have on others. It will only effect you more. Never apologise for feeling how you do. Never be ashamed. Never hide them. At the risk of preaching a form of hippy love, be free.

You know what -

Maybe i will dye my hair red.
Maybe.
Next week.
Maybe.

Somewhere, over the rainbow

Do people ever find their rainbow?
Are these make believe stories told to give us hope for something better? That though it hurts and everything's just turned to shit, don't worry - cause you're just one step closer to your rainbow! When? 
What if you've just accidentally walked straight past yours? Or what if you've just walked away from it? Then what? Do you get a re-run or a take 2? Or is it just tough cookies? 
Then i think of all the people that never find theirs. What if yours is all the way on the other side of the world? What if mines in Greenland? Should i go to Greenland just in case? What if you're too poor? But what if mines moved to Hawaii by the time i get there? How will i know that Hawaii must be my next stop? Do you have to just go without?
What if you find your rainbow, but your not their rainbow? Does that even happen? Or is it just a case of mistaken identity - on either behalf? What if it is a mistake and you never let go if it and your true one has just walked right on by? What if you were mistaken and walked away and you never get it back? How is that fair when both parties miss out? 
What if you spend your whole life searching to finally find it and then die? Do you die happy? Or die pissed off that it took you this long then you carked it? What a load of crock.
I hate all these 'half glass' analogies. I hate more that I'm one of the idiots that see it as 'half full' until proven otherwise. It's like I'm one of those douche bags that need to feel it for it to be true. How annoying is that? One of those douches that doesn't get why everyone else isn't a 'half full' sorta person. One of the douche bags that doesn't like these what ifs and coulda woulda shoula's when theyre so easily argued either way. What if it works/what if it doesn't? What if this happens/what if it doesn't? What if i decide this is what i want/what if i decide this isn't what i want? what if i feel differently/what if i dont? What if noone comes/what if everyone comes? what if i mess up/what if i dont? what if this is my calling/what if this isn't? What if i find something better/what if i never do? what if i was wrong/what if i was right? What if i regret this/what if i don't. What if, what if, what if.

Life's a bitch, i'm not sure why i keep forgiving it.

really?

I often wonder why so many of the people i know are so stubborn. I'm definitely one of the lesser, and i don't get what being stubborn does? Does it make you feel better? Do you just like being a pain? Do you enjoy messing up your relationships cause you can't be the one to say, oops sorry - I messed up?
I actually don't understand the art of being stubborn at all, yet so many of you do it.
From the outside in, it simply looks like you're making life an eternity harder for yourselves by forcing yourselves to stay grounded. Loosen up people!! Give things a go instead of pushing them away, go out even if you dont particularly feel like, get out the house, say yes or maybe say no for a change. Just go with the flow, don't make it into an issue. You guys drive me insane!

Not sure..

Can't seem to work out where all of my words have gone. 

Feel like i'm so tired i cant process thoughts, excitement, any emotion. Id much prefer to be writing something instead of whining or posting whatever song is stuck in my head. 

Come back please!

my empty promises lead to our demise.
i could never tell you how i really feel and for that i eternally apologise.
we were both selfish, but i think i was more.
thank you for showing me a part of myself that i had never seen.
we were young and dumb but it still was fun.
i guess these things just tend to fall apart.
i just hurt you and i never looked back,
now i have no logic to defend.
you seemed like such a big part of my life and my heart.
we were both selfish, but i think i was more.

so..

Alright, I lie. I'm not going to die my hair red. But that's only a slight change to the plan!

That's just a risk i'll take!

I am so looking forward to this new risky side of me!
The rest of this year is going to be about taking the plunge, risks and all sorts of new things.
I'm going to dye my hair red. Not Rhianna red, just a natural red. I'm going to move in with someone I don't know. I'm going to make new friends. I'm going to book a plane ticket overseas by myself. I'm going to start saying YES instead of maybe! I'm going to start ACTING instead of watching and wishing! There is no time like now and no one can make these things happen but me. Maybe next year can be my year of yes? Maybe that should be my blog for the year? Maybe i should make myself a motivational shirt like Baracks' here:

In fact, YES, I will.
I'm super excited!

clarity

Funny how all of a sudden you know the right thing to do. Something just clicks and you know the right way to go.

Closing Time

At the end of the day, I know my Prince Charming isn't going to be straight out of a Disney movie.
No horse and carriage, no white doves. And probably no flashmob or musical.
We all have our issues, I just want someone to take on the world with.

Untitled.

                 'Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be somebody better, you end up acting like the person you've become, and it seems like there's nothing you can do but give in to the voices in your head.'
                                                                                                           - Mark Dapin

Hey conscience, have a nice holiday?

Sometimes i let my brain get away from me. Its almost like my conscience goes on a little holiday, goes and lays on a beach for a bit, chilling out while my brain runs riot. And man, what a mess my poor conscience comes back to when it returns. But i could not be more relieved when it comes home. He spends his day picking apart my little mess ups, working through each one piece by piece. Coercing my heart to play nice with my brain like a small child not wanting to share. Conversing with my limbic system deep within the depths of my cerebrum, kindly requesting they keep my emotions on level ground and off the trampoline and to please keep the drama queen at  bay.

When he returns its as though my head stands still, stunned while at the top of his lungs screams WHAT THE FUCK as it sees the mess, like a house party gone bad - my brain is in disarray. But when you treat your head like the dormitories of a frat house, what more should you expect really?

By the end of its first day back, i have my head in order. With the sun shining, my world is back to looking fine. While the ocean is in view from where ever i am, beer in hand with friends who leave tracks in your heart like fossils, i realise that no matter where i am i can make what i want of it. That i am (borderline) healthy, i am happy, and while i'm missing someone to crawl into bed with at the end of it all, i'm lucky.

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside..

Coming home is a really weird feeling for me.
So much has changed but at the same time, it feels like its stayed the same.

A new baby here and there, a ring on someones finger, a new shop, a new love, a new phase that i'm out of the loop for.
But in all reality, they're still the same. Doing the same things, with the same people and for some reason i still feel like the outsider. Maybe i'm the one that's changed? or maybe i've stayed the same which is why i still feel the same.

Maybe, subconsciously, i've come home for the wrong reasons.Or maybe i'm just tired and haven't given myself a chance to settle again.
And maybe you'll read this and decide on the spot that you've made the right decision. For whatever reason we can't, i wish i could talk to you. About this, about me, about you without feeling as though im running the risk of losing you and us.

Maybe if we never left the room, maybe if we both dealt with the real world a little better, maybe if you weren't scared, maybe if i wasn't too. If only we weren't scared to put the maybes into actions to find out their truths.

Glad you came.

Not only am i insanely attracted to each of the guys from The Wanted (possibly minus the curly haired one in the back with the hawaiian shirt..), but i cannot get this song out of my head. Its like memories and excitement for the future all in one. Had to share.

The sun goes down 

The stars come out

And all that counts

Is here and now. 

My universe will never be the same

I'm glad you came.

You  cast a spell on me, spell on me

You hit my like the sky fell on me, fell on me. 

And i decided you look well on me, well on me. 

So lets go someone no one else can see, you and me. 

Turn the lights out now

Now I'll take you by the hand

Hand you another drink

Drink it if you can. 

Can you spend a little time, 

Time is slipping away from us so stay,

Stay with me i can make, 

Make you glad you came. 

The sun goes down, 

The stars come out

And all that counts

is here and now. 

My universe will never be the same, 

I'm glad you came. 

Dear you, pt 2.

How badly i wish you could see.
See the potential that you let fall.
See that to get through isn't getting over it.
That the fun only makes it go away for the while.
That for years to come, it will still be rearing its head.
That rather than do what you said, you'll still wake up 5 years down the track wondering exactly what you didn't want to.
To realise what your accomplishments consist of.
To realise what you haven't while others have.
To see the cycle repeat itself over and over, like its doing.
To see what you think is bravery is only cowardly.
To realise how quickly you forget the things once said.

If only we all had an island.

If only you could see that you're not unique in your issues.
If you could see how the others overcome them.
If only you would want to do the same.
If only you'd take the risk.
Trust in yourself and others.
Let go and build yourself back up.

How there's so much positivity that feels wasted.
So many words unsaid wasted.
So many emotions hidden.
So many tears pushed aside.
Leaving only this.

Stop being scared.
If only you saw the person you are.
If only you could see the person thats staring back at you in the mirror.
The one that's hidden. Ashamed of. Scared to be known.

Start being you again.
Not the you you think you are, the you that you really are.

hum dillelah

Its crazy when you find what you need just completely out of the blue. 

when it makes you see it for what it really is. 

when you see that youre worth so much more. 

When you get what you deserve. 

in a good way. 

Dear you,

Thank you.

Thank you for showing me the person i could be.
For showing me that i deserve the best.
For teaching me to be strong.
For believing in me.
For letting me in.
For showing me the amazing person you are, even if its not who you feel comfortable being.
For showing me your vulnerabilities and for helping me conquer mine.
For loving me like no one has before.
For sending me on this journey.

Thank you for making me a better person.

All my love and wishes,

Jay.

Seven Things A Twentysomething Can Do « Thought Catalog

This made me feel a lot better about being 20something. Thank god I'm not the only one that feels like a manic depressant psycho that cant work it out.

Seven Things A Twentysomething Can Do « Thought Catalog

AUG. 22, 2011

By RYAN O'CONNELL

1. Have lots and lots of feelings!

Being a twentysomething is like being on a perpetual emotional rollercoaster—there’s a lot of screaming, adrenaline, and occasionally vomit. Our age entitles us to be sensitive about everything. “I feel, like, just off today. Maybe it’s the weather or something. I was just at Kinko’s and almost started crying near the printer!” Crying for no reason is like a sport for us! Who’s going to win the twentysomething olympics?! Competitions include drunk texting, crying at commercials, careful use of “I” statements and complaining about everything all the time. Personally, I feel like I’m the Michael Phelps of suffering from vague mid-grade anxiety. I like to vocalize that I feel anxious at least four times a day. The source is unclear. All I know is that I feel weird, okay?! My anxiety is giving me anxiety. Can’t you see that I’m just in a bad place right now?!

2. Be hyperbolic about everything

Twentysomethings have a tendency to exaggerate about most things (unless it’s about the money we’re receiving from our parents). If you go a week without drinking, we’ll be quick to say, “Oh my god, I have been such a homebody. I haven’t drank in like a month!” Or, “I literally have not slept in 36 hours. I literally haven’t eaten all day.” If it’s prefaced with “literally,” chances are it’s a lie. When will we learn to stop stretching the truth?!

3. Change our minds

On food: I would eat Thai if there’s good outdoor seating at the restaurant, but if there’s not, I would actually love to eat some pizza but only if there are vegan options. Wait, you know what I actually want? Subway.
On dating: I really like Josh. I think we just really click and he’s sweet and makes me happy. Wait, I hate Josh because he makes a weird face when he orgasms and this one time he insulted my shoes and I had to hold back the tears during dinner. We’re done.
On ourselves: I’m never drinking again. Do you have any white wine? I’m in a really healthy place right now. Just kidding. Things have gotten really bad since we last talked five minutes ago.
On music: Oh my god, Cults are my favorite band! Wait, is this Cults playing? They’re annoying, don’t you think?
On drugs: I’m never doing coke again. It’s the worst. Will there be some at the party tonight? I kind of feel like getting cray cray.

4. Talk about sex more than actually having it

Let’s talk about sex all day long instead of actually having it. That would require too much work and I’m sooo scared of rejection. Then you have to worry about the morning after being awkward and then you have the technology dance with the texting. You sit there with your phone waiting for a response that doesn’t scream “LAST NIGHT WAS A MISTAKE.” Then you get the response and even if it’s good, you still freak out about some minute detail like a period or a question mark. No, having sex is exhausting now. I’ll just talk about it with my friends at brunch, okay?

5. Talk shit

Twentysomethings are really good at talking shit. If we could get paid to gossip, the job crisis would seriously be solved. Bye bye recession, hello #glamour. A good shit talking session gives us a sense of purpose in this chaotic world. Plus, it’s been made so easy thanks to the internet. When you tweet about how much you love your boyfriend, how are we not supposed to make fun of you? It’s like you’re giving me a gift and asking me not to unwrap it.

6. Lurk

Twentysomethings are really good at research. Give us a stranger’s name and ask us to find out where they went to school, who they’re dating, who they’re fighting with and their default camera face and we will. The things I know about people who hang on the periphery of my social circle are truly disgusting. It might seem like we’re meeting for the very first time, but honey, I know what you did last summer and the summer before that. In fact, I know what you did yesterday. You hung out with your friend Annie and saw the new Harry Potter. You tweeted about it! Was it good? I’ve heard good things!

7. Miss things

I just ate a cheese omelette and I already miss it. Maybe I should blog about it in a post called, “The Cheese Omelette And Me: A Complicated Love Story!” I also miss today. I mean, I know it’s not over yet but it feels over, you know? And I hate it when things just end like that. Maybe I should take a picture of today to always remember it. nEver 4gEt.

I wish, i wish, i wish!

If i could have anything in the world, it would be that little black pen from Men in Black.
You know that little mind eraser? Set the time, date, a quick little flash and its all gone.
How much easier would it make life to have the ability to just forget that you'd seen it. Forget that you'd heard it. Forget that you'd felt it. All the maybes, all the why's would just vanish from our lives, enabling us to move on, continue along our merry way without a second ponder of why.

just because.

Sometimes our minds and emotions can get the better of us.
Sometimes you just need to go home.
Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make yourself feel okay.

Its hard to know what the right decision is.

Sometimes the only way to move forward is to take a step backward.
Sometimes you have to break things down to build them back up.
Sometimes staying put with a strong face doesn't work.

When it rains, it pours.

Sometimes nothing makes sense.
Sometimes you just feel alone.
Sometimes all forms of reasoning feel irrelevant.

Sometimes its for no other reason than
just because.

Never ending racetrack.

Pick up all your tears
throw them in your backseat
leave without a second glance
somehow im to blame
for this never ending racetrack you call llife.

So turn right into my arms.
Turn right, you wont be alone.
You might fall off this track sometimes
but i hope to see you at the finish line.

Driving all your friends
at a speed they cannot follow
and soon you will be on your own
somehow im to blame
for this never ending racetrack that you call life.

So turn right into my arms.
Turn right, you wont be alone.
You might fall off this track sometimes
but i hope to see you at the finish line.

I did all i could, i gave everything.
But you had to go your way.

Hope to see you on the finish line..

live and let live.

Better to have tried and still lost than to lose and regret not trying.
♥

Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face.

The kind you'd find on someone i could save.

If they don't put me away,

it'll be a miracle.

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

With nobody in your bed

The night's hard to get through.

And i will die all alone

And when i arrive, i wont know anyone.

Well, Jesus Christ, i'm alone again.

So what did you do those three days you were dead?

Cause this problem's gonna last

more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, i'm not scared to die

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do i get the gold chariot?

Do i float through the ceiling?

Do i divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too sly to hold back all my dark. 

And this ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands? 

I know you'll come in the night like a thief

But i've had some time alone to work out my lying technique

I know you think that i'm someone you can trust

But i'm scared i'll get scared and i swear ill try to never give up.

So do you think that we could work out something

Some know that it's you and that it's over so i wont even try. 

I know you'll come for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails, tongue tied to a hating factory. 

We all got wood and nails, tongue tied to a hating factory. 

We all got wood and nails, we sleep inside of this machine. 

"I'm in love with you and excited for what is to come"

It never ceases to amaze me how much words can mean. Even with no actions, simple words that are so meaningless on their own can be strung into one little sentence that means so much.

Humans are strange creatures. We can be so wary, cynical and sceptical of life in the hope to protect ourselves. But when we find ourselves besotted with love or excitement, it seems these precautionary measures are thrown out the door, almost inevitably leading us blindly into a cradle of hurt and disappointment.

While most of us are hesitant to place our hearts in the hands of others, we find ourselves, at one point or another, blindly taking the risk in a moment of faith. No matter how brief that moment may be, if only for an instant, the walls come down and we find ourselves falling undoubtedly into the unknown. All our love, trust and happiness at the mercy of another.

Love and excitement, serendipity and hope. With our hearts held firmly in the hands of another in a bond that we once thought unbreakable, we realise how quickly it can all be changed. Even the strongest bonds will turn to rust. Fragile from wear, they collapse, crushing with it our dreams, hopes and prayers.

Maybe humans are foolish. Perhaps naive. Or maybe we're just trusting and hopeful. While some may act like they're above, or perhaps below emotion, it is a feeling we all experience. Regardless of whether it be briefly or prolonged, a broken heart is something to which we can all relate.

Heartbreak is the bearer of a rare emotion. One the can rip you apart, numb you, strengthen you, anger you or sadden you as though nothing will ever feel the same. And for a reason unknown to me, once the wounds from the first have healed and scarred, graced us with insecurities almost irreversible.. we go back for more.
Once more we put everything on the line in the hope that this time, it might all go to plan.

Bye, Bye Winter Blues!

Whoa! What a downer winter can be! 

Time to wipe those winter blues away and start looking forward to the sunny season. 

But with the weather looking so glum, it's so easy to be sucked into it's comfy snuggies and early nights on the couch. Time to man up my princesses - let's get excited for the summertime!

In the next few weeks of the lead up to sunshine, i'm going to put my energy into preparing for the silly season and fight my snuggly temptations!

Christmas and festivals are just around the corner (as is beach and bikini time! eep!), so what better way to spend the drizzly days than by preparing yourself to beat the rush. 

Hand made Christmas presents, festival outfits and accessories and a bikini ready body is on the list for the next few weeks. 

Lets get excited!

Where to?

While i know that getting a ridiculous digital journo assignment with a pitiful and painfully broad assessment criteria finished on time should be my number one priority tonight, it's hard to stop my mind from racing. It seems my love for writing is turning into a love for whining. A love for rhetorical questions that I'm not sure I ever want answered. For blurting out things I can't usually say, things that at the time seem so unbelievably hard to wrap my head around. 

When things go wrong and you're not really sure why, how do you fix them?
What happens if they can't be fixed and you're left to pick up the pieces that you never wanted to fall apart in the first place?
Do you retreat, wallow in self pity until one day you wake up and decide its time to get your shit together? Stay put, head high, strong face? Or do you run?


To retreat is easy. But if you retreat that generally means 10 steps back for the one that you took forward. And knowing how hard that first step was makes me think I don't want to have to make it again. 


Stay put, head high, strong face? Then what happens to the heart that's breaking? When are you allowed to fall apart? And how long for? And who then picks up your broken pieces when you're still picking up the ones you didn't want to break? How long does it take for life to seem normal and okay again? How long are you playing this game of pretend for?


Or run?
To run would be a fresh start. Another state maybe? Or perhaps another country? Is running from the confusion and hurt of reality a bad thing? Does it make you weak for not being able to sort your shit out? Or does it make you strong because you can't see the room for shit in your life? Then what happens when the next porcelain life falls apart? Do you run again? At what point do you stop running and deal with it?


I'm not sure if to run is to forgive or forget. Or if it's either for that matter.Or if either actually need to be done.
Life is a messy, confusing and ridiculously scary thing and I've found over the years that I'm good at all three. So which one do I choose this time?

Life sucks.

Life sucks. Whose doesn't? 

When you've made a massive move in your life, I think people find it easy to dwell on the past. Your old house, your old city, your friends, your family, your old lifestyle, all the little memories that make you miss the way things were. I guess every time you're presented with the hate for your new life, you have to weigh it all up, piece by piece.


In the city I come from, nothing much changes. Sure, we get a new road or a new night club every couple of years, but ultimately, the atmosphere never changes. It's sleepy, it's comfortable and it's easy to get stuck in. In Adelaide the largest and most of the time only change we're generally confronted with is marriage, pregnancy, separation and death. It's almost as though the only change you see in your life in Adelaide will be derived from one of those four. But in reality, life goes on as normal and nothing really does change apart from a ring on your finger, an addition to the family or going on with your everyday life without that someone by your side. I find that in Adelaide I see more and more people settling than anywhere else I've ever been or had people talk to me about. The entire nature of Adelaide makes it easy to forget ambitions and overlook the drive for progression. And from what i hear from people that have left, while it's hard and it may not feel it at the time, leaving Adelaide, even for a year or so, was the best thing they ever did. It's easy to miss something for the same reasons you hated it. At times, you have to look at the opportunities you've not only been presented with, but have made for yourself. Do you take them? Or do you leave them for a life that will always be there? Then there are the reason's you decided you wanted those opportunities in the first place. Are the reasons still there? Are there goals you still want to fulfil? Do you still want to be with that someone enough to make you stay? And how do you know that the lifestyle you want to go back to is the right one for you if you don't give the new one a chance? Not just by being there, but participating in it.


It's easy to be unhappy and pissed off at your work. But when you think about it, has there ever been a time that you've been so overwhelmingly happy with a company that you've worked for? One that doesn't fuck up? One that doesn't piss you off in some way or another? One where you get along with absolutely everybody and no one annoys the shit out of you? I find when i miss something, I focus on all the bad things about the one that's replaced it. So, the question that's presented is, are they really that bad or am i focusing too much on the negative and overlooking the positive? Then secondly, are there ways that I can fix them? Someone you can tell, get them fixed instead of pondering on how much they piss you off. Are they as bad as your previous company? Will the next one be any better? And the hardest part is, these answers probably can't be found until you remove your emotions and exert all options. 


Friends and family are usually the killer. I miss them, I miss them, I miss them. I don't know any body who hasn't felt this way when they've left friends and family behind. What's always gotten me through is the thought that friends are the family you chose. They will be there no matter what, no matter where you live, no matter what happens. When I moved at the start of the year, that notion was the only thing that convinced me to do it. That true friends and family want you to make the most of opportunities and while they'll miss you, they can sometimes see what will be better for you in the long term clearer than what you can. I left my best friend of 11 years and her two month old son, my god-son, I left my elderly Grandma who doesn't have anyone there for her but me, I left my Father and I left six of the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. Of course they'll miss you, but true friends and family want you to make the most of life. Not let it pass you by. 
True friends will come visit. True friends will be there when you come home. When you've got true friends, it doesn't matter what country, state or suburb you're in. They'll be there. Think of the flip side. If they were presented with the same opportunities, would they not take it because of you? And would you be supporting them or asking them to stay? When shit hits the fan, would you be telling them to work it out and persevere or would you be telling them to fuck it and come home? As I've grown up, I've realised that regardless of whether you miss them like crazy, if you come home for them or if you don't, the real friends are still there, six months later, three years later and six years later. Don't put your life on hold because they'll be there no matter what and the ones that aren't, no matter how fun they are, weren't worth it in the first place. 


A wise man once told me that change is the only thing that you can be certain of. That same wise man's view on life changed me. He made me stronger. He showed me that I shouldn't let all these surrounding factors define who I am. He told me to embrace everything that comes with change, to work hard and take every opportunity I get. It's a shame that even wise men can lose their wisdom through the haphazardness of their own mind.

Lost.

What do you do when what you thought you wanted, is probably not what you want at all?
When your entire view on what you think you want from life changes all of a sudden?
When everything you've ever aspired for suddenly doesn't mean a thing? 
When life goals and careers are no longer seen in your future?
What happens when you've given everything up for something that just doesn't feel right?  


Pack up and move on to the next one? Retreat back to the previous lifestyle that still didn't feel right? Or suck it up cause maybe one day you might feel differently again?

Perfect.

The 3 things a guy should wanna change about his girl is her last name, her address and her viewpoint on men - Kid Cudi

I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky

"Oh! I'm lucky in love!

When i think I've had enough

lucky in love

Yes, I've got the winning touch" 

- Lucky in Love, Mick Jagger

Lucky in love. My topic of ponder for the past few hours..  I was listening to this song earlier. What does the term lucky in love even mean? Is it that they've never had to experience real heartbreak? Does it refer to being able to bed girl after girl with no consequences? More like a love for women, not a woman? Like a Good Luck Chuck sort of thing? OR is it referring to a person who is able to love, but also let go without hanging onto a suitcase full of emotions? I wonder who came up with the term and for what reason..? Does counting yourself as lucky in love mean the same for each person? I, myself would count myself as being lucky in love, whereas i know others would see me as unlucky in love. Isn't that an odd thing?

Another thought - does lucky in love only refer to romantic love or does it extend to platonic? 

Throughout my hectic, scattered and so far short life, I've experienced so much love in so many different ways. Yes, some loves come to an end and often nastily, messily and hurtfully, but aren't you lucky to have felt that connection with someone? Real love, not clouded by lust and crazy attachment issues, is pretty special. I think, no matter if or how it ended nor platonic or romantic, you should count yourself as lucky for experiencing it with that person. So next time you think about shit ex boyfriends and girlfriends, best friends that you no longer speak to, stop focusing on the crap parts about losing them and start focusing on the crazy, amazing emotion that you both once shared. And if you have love, start realizing how lucky you are to be experiencing it. 

New Life

2011 was the start of my new life.
Goodbye Adelaide, goodbye mundane job, goodbye share house, goodbye to having no satisfying feeling of progression towards my goals with the constant want for something more and goodbye to everyone and everything that was holding me back.
Hello Brisbane, hello university, hello new house, hello new job, hello new people, hello MY year.


Moving interstate is stressful, expensive, and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to organise in my life. Luckily, everything has gone perfectly. Our furniture was delivered all in one piece and without missing a thing, my car didn't die on the way up here and most importantly, we haven't killed each other and we're still in love.


Finding a new job is a breeze. Deciding whether it caters for what you want to gain from employment is another story. I believe that going to work everyday should be enjoyable. Yes, traffic is bad. So what if you have to start early? So you're earning a pretty average wage. No matter where you are, you're going to have shit days. But surely, when you're at work you should have some part of it that you really love. The customers, the interaction, the high pressure, the learning, the people - i don't know, but something that you love about it. If you can't sit back and list a few or even just one thing that you love about your job, you need to quit. People forget that you can do anything you set your mind to. You can have and do anything that you want. Don't just settle. It leads to unhappy, unproductive and unprofitable employees who become nothing more than a burden to unhappy employers, which is why I'm moving onto my second hello/goodbye scenario for the year. Goodbye Telstra Store, hello Metalicus! I have to say, i am more than excited to commence work with them.


To the people and things that were holding me back, it's like a complete new sense of freedom. No reminders as you drive around town, you don't see people you wish you hadn't because you don't know anyone. It's a hugely liberating feeling being a complete stranger by choice. To meet new people who, with the exception of Eliza, have absolutely no ties to you what so ever, no absurdly intertwined lives or ex boyfriends that erupt from the past and suddenly become a common factor between you. It's a truly wonderful feeling. One that i hope will continue on to an extent. 


My favourite change and the component that honestly makes this year MY year, is university. The greatest um and ah in my life for the past 3 years. Uni is seriously the scariest and coolest thing that i have ever come across. And, although i am slightly biased, Queensland University of Technology is by far the most amazingly diverse university in Australia, world known for leading in creative industries. 
Although constantly being lost, having to ask where lectures and tutorials are and having your brain feel like its in complete overdrive is stressful, but seriously the greatest buzz ever. 


This year is going to be great.