Garden II.

It's late. And it's been a rough day. 
I feel like i want to talk to you. I think it's habit and comfort. While to you it might not seem like it, i actually have worked really hard on breaking it. And it works - some of the time - other times i succumb to it because there comes a point where i don't care how it makes me look or seem and sometimes, while i feel bad and even embarrassed for putting things on you when they're no longer your concern, i just need to speak and be heard. Not be spoken to, not be told what to do or how to fix it. Simply let speak on my own without judgement or opinion. While you often don't speak back, it doesn't concern me. You listen without telling me you are and even though you push it to the back burners or discard it, i know you understand and that's all i really need. 

I feel like I'm chasing my tail. And it doesn't matter how many counselors or psychologists i see, how many tablets or remedies I'm given, i find myself at the beginning, over and over again. Sometimes i really just want to give up. 

Anxiety is the most distressing thing i have ever had to deal with. It's so different to depression where i curl up in bed and turn off the world, turn off my mind and sleep. But the exhaustion i get from it makes me want to do that. Each time i take two steps forward towards combating it, it pushes back at a force twenty times more than it was before. I can control it now, can feel them coming on, know what to do, can calm myself and end it, move on and carry on with my day. And its a little win every day that I've over come one and it hasn't ruined my day and I've dealt with it on my own and I've gotten away unnoticed. But every single day it takes that little bit more from me until i wake up like today and i just don't have the energy to fight. 

Some days i feel like i could literally just float away. I always felt so grounded with you. I think because no matter what was going on in my world, there was you and me. We were in it together and could get through anything. They were never empty words to me. No matter what, you brought me back to earth, easily and quickly and all of a sudden everything was back in perspective. I never felt crazy with you. But when it's just me floating about, i do. I feel like this is so abnormal and i'm so on my own in it. Getting through each day shouldn't be so hard. 

They're so intense and acute that every time i work out how to deal with one sort, they appear even more intense an in a completely different way that each week i feel like i'm working out a new coping mechanism. I never realised attacks could be so physical. I've had MRI's an neurological nerve testings because they thought they could be symptoms of MS or epilepsy for them to turn around and say, it's all in your head makes me feel like an absolute psycho. 

I can't seem to understand how my heart, mind and subconscious are so out of sync. How something i want so badly can be so hard to achieve and cause me so much distress. How i want my degree so badly, but sitting in a lecture hall for three hours with 200 other students is the hardest thing to over come in my day. And this happens twice a day, four days a week. That reading one chapter takes all of my energy to focus to eventually result in an attack from lack of energy and forced focus. 

Days like this, i just want to come home. I have such a love/hate relationship with comfort. I hate how comfortable i feel in Adelaide that it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like i achieve nothing and plod along with no direction. But here, when i constantly work hard to better myself and achieve, i crave the comfort Adelaide has to offer. When i first start to feel comfortable in a place, i despise it. It makes me want to leave, feel like i don't want to be settled and i don't think i want anywhere but Adelaide to be home. Being settled and feeling at home somewhere that doesn't suffocate me is all i want, yet as soon as i get close i want to run. I know you've said that it's okay and maybe i should work out why and i am working it out. It'd be nice to be someone that doesn't have to work 'it' out some days.

3.38am

It's amazing how incredibly comfortable your car can suddenly get when your mind is wide awake with a new set of tunes to explore, a semi-moderately decent set of speakers and legs that are too lazy to take you to your bed and headphones inside.

3.42 hours and counting.
Shit, I'm a dedicated procrastinator.

Gone walkabout, mate.

So, staying put in one place isn't really my thing. And even though it's something i've always wanted to change and have 'tried' to work hard on keeping to one spot and one decision, it's becoming more and more apparent the older that i get that it's just not my thing. I'm not really sure if it's because i'm not ready for it or just that i'm a brat that can't make up her mind. This week i've made my maiden voyage overseas. Three Asian countries and i could not be more in love with the world. Sometimes, at home, ill book a one way ticket somewhere, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide are the usual hit ups. When i say i'm going i'm always surprised when people ask me if i'm going to come home, even though as far as they know I've booked a return flight and will be back in 5 days and even though i really haven't and have no intention on returning, there's still that little bit of 'oh.. ' that keeps making me book that flight home. Over here though, if my bank account looked a little healthier, i honestly would not get on that plane home. Booked or not, i'd sit pretty right where i am. I love not having a phone. Love not being on a time constraint. Love the different cultures. Love getting lost. Love losing myself yet finding it at the same time. Love making my own decisions with no one else intruding. Love deciding when and if i want to talk to someone because they can't contact me, i have to contact them. It's all the things i loved about living on an island without all the crap.

I'd always been hesitant to go overseas. Not that i didn't want to, i just managed to come up with a thousand and one reasons why i couldn't because i was scared and constantly needed an excuse for myself. I'm so unsettled and indecisive with the option of 8 different states to live in, throw the rest of the world into the mix of a girl with and anxiety disorder and you have absolute mental mayhem! I've been very go, go, go for a number of years and all of a sudden it's hit me that i actually don't have to be. I can just chill out, go with the flow and enjoy it. Which is an entirely new experience for me. I've surprised myself with my ability to not shower, not wash my hair, not straighten it and carry my 'life' in a bag on my back. Shock, horror! Yes, this is me that i'm talking about.

Through all this babble and mumbo jumbo, i think the point i'm actually aiming for here after a few cocktails is that i don't want to come home. And even though i have to for the absolute sole reason of finance, it wont be for long. Sticking to decisions is the absolute epitome of why my life is disfunctional. I work too hard, i don't play enough and i talk myself out of absolutely everything. 2013, although i had thought that 2012 was my year, will actually be it, my year, my life, my way. I've never felt so at home in my own skin as i do being lost in another country.

WHOOOOOOOOO!

I'M GOING OVERSEAS TOMORROW

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

City of Dreams

Three days ago, i wrote a draft blog post. One about love, about all the different types and feelings that come with it. I don't feel the same way now as i did when i wrote it and while i still completely agree and feel what i wrote about, there's another sort of love that i'm thinking about. Love that you miss.

Maybe about four years ago now, i fell in love on the dance floor of a shitty club in Adelaide. Instantaneous and crazy, i fell hard and fast and kept falling. I was lucky beyond words. Some people grow old never knowing that feeling of complete overwhelming love and wholeness that not only you feel, but is also reciprocated. Such a blessing, but such a curse.

Once in a blue moon, i find myself thinking i'm at a point now that i can start again. But then for whatever reason, something stirs inside me and i know it doesn't feel the same. Kaboom, over and out, i run for the hills. The intensity and draw isn't what i'd once felt. And anything less feels like a waste.

My crazy dance floor romance came to an end. One that while wasn't sweet, most definitely wasn't bitter. Even though it's been accepted and movements in the right direction have happened, i still miss it. Call it daydreaming, call it wishful thinking. Perhaps naivety, retardation even. But is that a sign that 'that' was 'it'? For the 'wannabe' optimist, what happens next.. ? When nothing seems to compare, will you settle?

Missing something you shared and missing someone feel like two different things to me. I can miss you and have a whinge, have a sook to my girlfriends pick myself up and get on with it. Most people can relate to the notion of missing someone. But when you're missing what you felt with someone, it's a completely different story. I don't think anyone can understand that other than the person you shared it with. Sure, people can listen, compare and share their experiences, but no one experienced what you did other than the two of you.

So to you, the only one i experienced this whirlwind of emotion with, the things i'm too scared to say:

I miss our love.
I miss our trust.
I miss our fun.
I miss our lust.

I miss our balance.
I miss our forgiveness.
I miss our simplicity.
I miss our unity.

There are times that i miss them so much i just want to talk to you about them because i know you'll understand them. I wish i could. I wish i wasn't scared of scaring you. Scaring you away because you may think it means something different. I wish i knew if you felt the way i felt. If the same things worry you about stepping forward. There are things in your life that i need not know, and those in mine that i need not share. The people we are now have grown immensely and while i say it a lot, it still amazes me and makes me so incredibly proud because five months ago, i honestly didn't think it were possible. I wish i could get to know you again. And i wish you could get to know me.
It still scares me that i may never find that again. These aren't moments of sadness, nor are they moments of despair or pleads for a re-match. They're just moments when i miss it.
I'll never know why, but i still miss you.

Everyday is a new beginning. One that i'm grateful for and allows me to take the baby steps that i am into the future. Sometimes i'm just not sure where to step next without it.

Student Life.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B A Start.
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart.


A line that i often feel i need to pop on my reference page at the back of my assignments. The very last thing they see So at least they know that i know i took the easy way out. But hey, if anything you have to be smart enough to find the easy way out and know how to use it correctly ;)

Ahh university.

Anything but eonomics

Bet you an economist couldn't tell you the value of this.

(However, i can tell you the opportunity cost and marginal benefits of my posting this)