I feel like i want to talk to you. I think it's habit and comfort. While to you it might not seem like it, i actually have worked really hard on breaking it. And it works - some of the time - other times i succumb to it because there comes a point where i don't care how it makes me look or seem and sometimes, while i feel bad and even embarrassed for putting things on you when they're no longer your concern, i just need to speak and be heard. Not be spoken to, not be told what to do or how to fix it. Simply let speak on my own without judgement or opinion. While you often don't speak back, it doesn't concern me. You listen without telling me you are and even though you push it to the back burners or discard it, i know you understand and that's all i really need.
I feel like I'm chasing my tail. And it doesn't matter how many counselors or psychologists i see, how many tablets or remedies I'm given, i find myself at the beginning, over and over again. Sometimes i really just want to give up.
Anxiety is the most distressing thing i have ever had to deal with. It's so different to depression where i curl up in bed and turn off the world, turn off my mind and sleep. But the exhaustion i get from it makes me want to do that. Each time i take two steps forward towards combating it, it pushes back at a force twenty times more than it was before. I can control it now, can feel them coming on, know what to do, can calm myself and end it, move on and carry on with my day. And its a little win every day that I've over come one and it hasn't ruined my day and I've dealt with it on my own and I've gotten away unnoticed. But every single day it takes that little bit more from me until i wake up like today and i just don't have the energy to fight.
Some days i feel like i could literally just float away. I always felt so grounded with you. I think because no matter what was going on in my world, there was you and me. We were in it together and could get through anything. They were never empty words to me. No matter what, you brought me back to earth, easily and quickly and all of a sudden everything was back in perspective. I never felt crazy with you. But when it's just me floating about, i do. I feel like this is so abnormal and i'm so on my own in it. Getting through each day shouldn't be so hard.
They're so intense and acute that every time i work out how to deal with one sort, they appear even more intense an in a completely different way that each week i feel like i'm working out a new coping mechanism. I never realised attacks could be so physical. I've had MRI's an neurological nerve testings because they thought they could be symptoms of MS or epilepsy for them to turn around and say, it's all in your head makes me feel like an absolute psycho.
I can't seem to understand how my heart, mind and subconscious are so out of sync. How something i want so badly can be so hard to achieve and cause me so much distress. How i want my degree so badly, but sitting in a lecture hall for three hours with 200 other students is the hardest thing to over come in my day. And this happens twice a day, four days a week. That reading one chapter takes all of my energy to focus to eventually result in an attack from lack of energy and forced focus.
Days like this, i just want to come home. I have such a love/hate relationship with comfort. I hate how comfortable i feel in Adelaide that it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like i achieve nothing and plod along with no direction. But here, when i constantly work hard to better myself and achieve, i crave the comfort Adelaide has to offer. When i first start to feel comfortable in a place, i despise it. It makes me want to leave, feel like i don't want to be settled and i don't think i want anywhere but Adelaide to be home. Being settled and feeling at home somewhere that doesn't suffocate me is all i want, yet as soon as i get close i want to run. I know you've said that it's okay and maybe i should work out why and i am working it out. It'd be nice to be someone that doesn't have to work 'it' out some days.
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