Three days ago, i wrote a draft blog post. One about love, about all the different types and feelings that come with it. I don't feel the same way now as i did when i wrote it and while i still completely agree and feel what i wrote about, there's another sort of love that i'm thinking about. Love that you miss.
Maybe about four years ago now, i fell in love on the dance floor of a shitty club in Adelaide. Instantaneous and crazy, i fell hard and fast and kept falling. I was lucky beyond words. Some people grow old never knowing that feeling of complete overwhelming love and wholeness that not only you feel, but is also reciprocated. Such a blessing, but such a curse.
Once in a blue moon, i find myself thinking i'm at a point now that i can start again. But then for whatever reason, something stirs inside me and i know it doesn't feel the same. Kaboom, over and out, i run for the hills. The intensity and draw isn't what i'd once felt. And anything less feels like a waste.
My crazy dance floor romance came to an end. One that while wasn't sweet, most definitely wasn't bitter. Even though it's been accepted and movements in the right direction have happened, i still miss it. Call it daydreaming, call it wishful thinking. Perhaps naivety, retardation even. But is that a sign that 'that' was 'it'? For the 'wannabe' optimist, what happens next.. ? When nothing seems to compare, will you settle?
Missing something you shared and missing someone feel like two different things to me. I can miss you and have a whinge, have a sook to my girlfriends pick myself up and get on with it. Most people can relate to the notion of missing someone. But when you're missing what you felt with someone, it's a completely different story. I don't think anyone can understand that other than the person you shared it with. Sure, people can listen, compare and share their experiences, but no one experienced what you did other than the two of you.
So to you, the only one i experienced this whirlwind of emotion with, the things i'm too scared to say:
I miss our love.
I miss our trust.
I miss our fun.
I miss our lust.
I miss our balance.
I miss our forgiveness.
I miss our simplicity.
I miss our unity.
There are times that i miss them so much i just want to talk to you about them because i know you'll understand them. I wish i could. I wish i wasn't scared of scaring you. Scaring you away because you may think it means something different. I wish i knew if you felt the way i felt. If the same things worry you about stepping forward. There are things in your life that i need not know, and those in mine that i need not share. The people we are now have grown immensely and while i say it a lot, it still amazes me and makes me so incredibly proud because five months ago, i honestly didn't think it were possible. I wish i could get to know you again. And i wish you could get to know me.
It still scares me that i may never find that again. These aren't moments of sadness, nor are they moments of despair or pleads for a re-match. They're just moments when i miss it.
I'll never know why, but i still miss you.
Everyday is a new beginning. One that i'm grateful for and allows me to take the baby steps that i am into the future. Sometimes i'm just not sure where to step next without it.
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