So, staying put in one place isn't really my thing. And even though it's something i've always wanted to change and have 'tried' to work hard on keeping to one spot and one decision, it's becoming more and more apparent the older that i get that it's just not my thing. I'm not really sure if it's because i'm not ready for it or just that i'm a brat that can't make up her mind. This week i've made my maiden voyage overseas. Three Asian countries and i could not be more in love with the world. Sometimes, at home, ill book a one way ticket somewhere, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide are the usual hit ups. When i say i'm going i'm always surprised when people ask me if i'm going to come home, even though as far as they know I've booked a return flight and will be back in 5 days and even though i really haven't and have no intention on returning, there's still that little bit of 'oh.. ' that keeps making me book that flight home. Over here though, if my bank account looked a little healthier, i honestly would not get on that plane home. Booked or not, i'd sit pretty right where i am. I love not having a phone. Love not being on a time constraint. Love the different cultures. Love getting lost. Love losing myself yet finding it at the same time. Love making my own decisions with no one else intruding. Love deciding when and if i want to talk to someone because they can't contact me, i have to contact them. It's all the things i loved about living on an island without all the crap.
I'd always been hesitant to go overseas. Not that i didn't want to, i just managed to come up with a thousand and one reasons why i couldn't because i was scared and constantly needed an excuse for myself. I'm so unsettled and indecisive with the option of 8 different states to live in, throw the rest of the world into the mix of a girl with and anxiety disorder and you have absolute mental mayhem! I've been very go, go, go for a number of years and all of a sudden it's hit me that i actually don't have to be. I can just chill out, go with the flow and enjoy it. Which is an entirely new experience for me. I've surprised myself with my ability to not shower, not wash my hair, not straighten it and carry my 'life' in a bag on my back. Shock, horror! Yes, this is me that i'm talking about.
Through all this babble and mumbo jumbo, i think the point i'm actually aiming for here after a few cocktails is that i don't want to come home. And even though i have to for the absolute sole reason of finance, it wont be for long. Sticking to decisions is the absolute epitome of why my life is disfunctional. I work too hard, i don't play enough and i talk myself out of absolutely everything. 2013, although i had thought that 2012 was my year, will actually be it, my year, my life, my way. I've never felt so at home in my own skin as i do being lost in another country.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
City of Dreams
Three days ago, i wrote a draft blog post. One about love, about all the different types and feelings that come with it. I don't feel the same way now as i did when i wrote it and while i still completely agree and feel what i wrote about, there's another sort of love that i'm thinking about. Love that you miss.
Maybe about four years ago now, i fell in love on the dance floor of a shitty club in Adelaide. Instantaneous and crazy, i fell hard and fast and kept falling. I was lucky beyond words. Some people grow old never knowing that feeling of complete overwhelming love and wholeness that not only you feel, but is also reciprocated. Such a blessing, but such a curse.
Once in a blue moon, i find myself thinking i'm at a point now that i can start again. But then for whatever reason, something stirs inside me and i know it doesn't feel the same. Kaboom, over and out, i run for the hills. The intensity and draw isn't what i'd once felt. And anything less feels like a waste.
My crazy dance floor romance came to an end. One that while wasn't sweet, most definitely wasn't bitter. Even though it's been accepted and movements in the right direction have happened, i still miss it. Call it daydreaming, call it wishful thinking. Perhaps naivety, retardation even. But is that a sign that 'that' was 'it'? For the 'wannabe' optimist, what happens next.. ? When nothing seems to compare, will you settle?
Missing something you shared and missing someone feel like two different things to me. I can miss you and have a whinge, have a sook to my girlfriends pick myself up and get on with it. Most people can relate to the notion of missing someone. But when you're missing what you felt with someone, it's a completely different story. I don't think anyone can understand that other than the person you shared it with. Sure, people can listen, compare and share their experiences, but no one experienced what you did other than the two of you.
So to you, the only one i experienced this whirlwind of emotion with, the things i'm too scared to say:
I miss our love.
I miss our trust.
I miss our fun.
I miss our lust.
I miss our balance.
I miss our forgiveness.
I miss our simplicity.
I miss our unity.
There are times that i miss them so much i just want to talk to you about them because i know you'll understand them. I wish i could. I wish i wasn't scared of scaring you. Scaring you away because you may think it means something different. I wish i knew if you felt the way i felt. If the same things worry you about stepping forward. There are things in your life that i need not know, and those in mine that i need not share. The people we are now have grown immensely and while i say it a lot, it still amazes me and makes me so incredibly proud because five months ago, i honestly didn't think it were possible. I wish i could get to know you again. And i wish you could get to know me.
It still scares me that i may never find that again. These aren't moments of sadness, nor are they moments of despair or pleads for a re-match. They're just moments when i miss it.
I'll never know why, but i still miss you.
Everyday is a new beginning. One that i'm grateful for and allows me to take the baby steps that i am into the future. Sometimes i'm just not sure where to step next without it.
Maybe about four years ago now, i fell in love on the dance floor of a shitty club in Adelaide. Instantaneous and crazy, i fell hard and fast and kept falling. I was lucky beyond words. Some people grow old never knowing that feeling of complete overwhelming love and wholeness that not only you feel, but is also reciprocated. Such a blessing, but such a curse.
Once in a blue moon, i find myself thinking i'm at a point now that i can start again. But then for whatever reason, something stirs inside me and i know it doesn't feel the same. Kaboom, over and out, i run for the hills. The intensity and draw isn't what i'd once felt. And anything less feels like a waste.
My crazy dance floor romance came to an end. One that while wasn't sweet, most definitely wasn't bitter. Even though it's been accepted and movements in the right direction have happened, i still miss it. Call it daydreaming, call it wishful thinking. Perhaps naivety, retardation even. But is that a sign that 'that' was 'it'? For the 'wannabe' optimist, what happens next.. ? When nothing seems to compare, will you settle?
Missing something you shared and missing someone feel like two different things to me. I can miss you and have a whinge, have a sook to my girlfriends pick myself up and get on with it. Most people can relate to the notion of missing someone. But when you're missing what you felt with someone, it's a completely different story. I don't think anyone can understand that other than the person you shared it with. Sure, people can listen, compare and share their experiences, but no one experienced what you did other than the two of you.
So to you, the only one i experienced this whirlwind of emotion with, the things i'm too scared to say:
I miss our love.
I miss our trust.
I miss our fun.
I miss our lust.
I miss our balance.
I miss our forgiveness.
I miss our simplicity.
I miss our unity.
There are times that i miss them so much i just want to talk to you about them because i know you'll understand them. I wish i could. I wish i wasn't scared of scaring you. Scaring you away because you may think it means something different. I wish i knew if you felt the way i felt. If the same things worry you about stepping forward. There are things in your life that i need not know, and those in mine that i need not share. The people we are now have grown immensely and while i say it a lot, it still amazes me and makes me so incredibly proud because five months ago, i honestly didn't think it were possible. I wish i could get to know you again. And i wish you could get to know me.
It still scares me that i may never find that again. These aren't moments of sadness, nor are they moments of despair or pleads for a re-match. They're just moments when i miss it.
I'll never know why, but i still miss you.
Everyday is a new beginning. One that i'm grateful for and allows me to take the baby steps that i am into the future. Sometimes i'm just not sure where to step next without it.
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