3.38am

It's amazing how incredibly comfortable your car can suddenly get when your mind is wide awake with a new set of tunes to explore, a semi-moderately decent set of speakers and legs that are too lazy to take you to your bed and headphones inside.

3.42 hours and counting.
Shit, I'm a dedicated procrastinator.

Gone walkabout, mate.

So, staying put in one place isn't really my thing. And even though it's something i've always wanted to change and have 'tried' to work hard on keeping to one spot and one decision, it's becoming more and more apparent the older that i get that it's just not my thing. I'm not really sure if it's because i'm not ready for it or just that i'm a brat that can't make up her mind. This week i've made my maiden voyage overseas. Three Asian countries and i could not be more in love with the world. Sometimes, at home, ill book a one way ticket somewhere, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide are the usual hit ups. When i say i'm going i'm always surprised when people ask me if i'm going to come home, even though as far as they know I've booked a return flight and will be back in 5 days and even though i really haven't and have no intention on returning, there's still that little bit of 'oh.. ' that keeps making me book that flight home. Over here though, if my bank account looked a little healthier, i honestly would not get on that plane home. Booked or not, i'd sit pretty right where i am. I love not having a phone. Love not being on a time constraint. Love the different cultures. Love getting lost. Love losing myself yet finding it at the same time. Love making my own decisions with no one else intruding. Love deciding when and if i want to talk to someone because they can't contact me, i have to contact them. It's all the things i loved about living on an island without all the crap.

I'd always been hesitant to go overseas. Not that i didn't want to, i just managed to come up with a thousand and one reasons why i couldn't because i was scared and constantly needed an excuse for myself. I'm so unsettled and indecisive with the option of 8 different states to live in, throw the rest of the world into the mix of a girl with and anxiety disorder and you have absolute mental mayhem! I've been very go, go, go for a number of years and all of a sudden it's hit me that i actually don't have to be. I can just chill out, go with the flow and enjoy it. Which is an entirely new experience for me. I've surprised myself with my ability to not shower, not wash my hair, not straighten it and carry my 'life' in a bag on my back. Shock, horror! Yes, this is me that i'm talking about.

Through all this babble and mumbo jumbo, i think the point i'm actually aiming for here after a few cocktails is that i don't want to come home. And even though i have to for the absolute sole reason of finance, it wont be for long. Sticking to decisions is the absolute epitome of why my life is disfunctional. I work too hard, i don't play enough and i talk myself out of absolutely everything. 2013, although i had thought that 2012 was my year, will actually be it, my year, my life, my way. I've never felt so at home in my own skin as i do being lost in another country.

WHOOOOOOOOO!

I'M GOING OVERSEAS TOMORROW

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

City of Dreams

Three days ago, i wrote a draft blog post. One about love, about all the different types and feelings that come with it. I don't feel the same way now as i did when i wrote it and while i still completely agree and feel what i wrote about, there's another sort of love that i'm thinking about. Love that you miss.

Maybe about four years ago now, i fell in love on the dance floor of a shitty club in Adelaide. Instantaneous and crazy, i fell hard and fast and kept falling. I was lucky beyond words. Some people grow old never knowing that feeling of complete overwhelming love and wholeness that not only you feel, but is also reciprocated. Such a blessing, but such a curse.

Once in a blue moon, i find myself thinking i'm at a point now that i can start again. But then for whatever reason, something stirs inside me and i know it doesn't feel the same. Kaboom, over and out, i run for the hills. The intensity and draw isn't what i'd once felt. And anything less feels like a waste.

My crazy dance floor romance came to an end. One that while wasn't sweet, most definitely wasn't bitter. Even though it's been accepted and movements in the right direction have happened, i still miss it. Call it daydreaming, call it wishful thinking. Perhaps naivety, retardation even. But is that a sign that 'that' was 'it'? For the 'wannabe' optimist, what happens next.. ? When nothing seems to compare, will you settle?

Missing something you shared and missing someone feel like two different things to me. I can miss you and have a whinge, have a sook to my girlfriends pick myself up and get on with it. Most people can relate to the notion of missing someone. But when you're missing what you felt with someone, it's a completely different story. I don't think anyone can understand that other than the person you shared it with. Sure, people can listen, compare and share their experiences, but no one experienced what you did other than the two of you.

So to you, the only one i experienced this whirlwind of emotion with, the things i'm too scared to say:

I miss our love.
I miss our trust.
I miss our fun.
I miss our lust.

I miss our balance.
I miss our forgiveness.
I miss our simplicity.
I miss our unity.

There are times that i miss them so much i just want to talk to you about them because i know you'll understand them. I wish i could. I wish i wasn't scared of scaring you. Scaring you away because you may think it means something different. I wish i knew if you felt the way i felt. If the same things worry you about stepping forward. There are things in your life that i need not know, and those in mine that i need not share. The people we are now have grown immensely and while i say it a lot, it still amazes me and makes me so incredibly proud because five months ago, i honestly didn't think it were possible. I wish i could get to know you again. And i wish you could get to know me.
It still scares me that i may never find that again. These aren't moments of sadness, nor are they moments of despair or pleads for a re-match. They're just moments when i miss it.
I'll never know why, but i still miss you.

Everyday is a new beginning. One that i'm grateful for and allows me to take the baby steps that i am into the future. Sometimes i'm just not sure where to step next without it.

Student Life.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B A Start.
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart.


A line that i often feel i need to pop on my reference page at the back of my assignments. The very last thing they see So at least they know that i know i took the easy way out. But hey, if anything you have to be smart enough to find the easy way out and know how to use it correctly ;)

Ahh university.

Anything but eonomics

Bet you an economist couldn't tell you the value of this.

(However, i can tell you the opportunity cost and marginal benefits of my posting this)

House, yo.

Not sure how i've managed to miss this genre of music for so long. Maybe it's an acquired taste and like wine, grows on you as you get older. Maybe it's just an appreciation thing! Superbly soulful voices, sexy undertones then throw in a bit of soul and funk with some deep electro beats. Deep house, welcome to the playlist.

Candi Staton - Hallelujah Anyway (Larse Vocal Mix)

Finnebassen - Touching Me (Original Mix)

Phonique - Feel What You Want Feat. Rebecca

Taste of your own medicine.. in a good way.

"Cry it out. Just cry. You'll feel better once you get it out. 
Starting again is hard. You're doing an amazing job of it. You're a lot happier now than i've ever seen you. Maybe not today, but in all the years i've known you this is the happiest you've ever been. 
Being out of your comfort zone is threatening and scary and it's only natural to want to retreat back to it. But, if you can over come that, which you already have, then you can overcome anything. 
You're working towards a new life for yourself. One that you deserve and have worked hard for. 
Once you get there, no amount of comfort will take away that feeling of accomplishment and self gratification. And that will mean a lot more to you than being back in your comfortable lifestyle living a mediocre life that you're not 100% happy with. It takes time and effort, tears and sweat. But at the end of the day, you made it for yourself. You're doing an amazing job and i'm so proud of how far you've come."

I wrote this to a close friend that was having a down day last week. She thanked me then told me to re-send it to myself. So i did. While it's important to evaluate and sometimes criticize your own lifestyle and choices, we're quick to be harsh on ourselves when we praise others in similar positions. Sending it back to myself and re-reading it as though it was from another gives you a little pat on the back and a little kick up the butt to remind yourself not to be too harsh on yourself in your down moments.
It was good thinking 99 if you ask me and i highly recommend the occasional text message to yourself.

Coexist

I watched you breathe in

and i wished you'd stop

only for long enough

long enough

its hard to say

separate or combine

i ask one last time

did i hold you too tight?

did i not let enough light in?

if a feeling appears

if your mind should sway

it's not a secret you should keep

i wont let you slip away

we used to be closer than this

we used to get closer than this

is it something you missed?

winged or chained

i ask would you have stayed

__The XX
    Chained. 

The XX is this beautiful melodic trio that i fell in love with a few years back. Many would recognize an older release of theirs, Islands. This month they've given triple j listeners a sneak peak at their new album, Coexist. The band had this crazy idea to share it with one fan a few days before it was set to launch in the US. Within an hour, the London mega fan had released the link causing the site to go viral and crash within 24hours due to its inability to withstand the traffic of fans checking out the new tunes. Insanely enough, the phenomenon managed to go completely unseen by industry bloggers until the next day. But needless to say, it shows how quickly the world interconnects these days and the power of the internet (and no doubt a certain fans lack of secret keeping abilities).
Not often do i find an album that i love wholly and truly from first listen the entire way through on repeat for 5 hours. There is not a single track that i find myself wanting to skip past. The XX generally have pretty depressing topics.. while on first listen their harmonies are so sweet they melt, when you start to read in to their lyrics, you catch a glimpse of some really disheartening, soul searching and ultimately emotional imbroglios and crossroads. 

Never the less, i have never felt so soothed by such complexities and the manner in which they do so is pure talent to create such bliss for my ears. 

Check it out. 

Coexist

moments.

I had a moment tonight. You know those ones that really hit home for some reason? I've seen a lot in the past few years, i've heard a lot, i've dealt with a lot. But maybe there comes a point when you just don't want to anymore. I'm not sure if it's a point that you can no longer hold that sort of emotion or one of resentment, or maybe you're switching off. I can't tell which way it's going to go. Working in a crazy club, surrounded by drunkards and people no longer on this planet, you see a lot of nasty shit, most of which while drunk having a good night, you rarely turn an eye to nor think twice about. But in a high volume club, most people coming through you don't know, most people you see it happen to aren't people you've known or seen grow up. Suddenly, when it happens to someone close or even just someone you know, someone you see daily in a small community, it all hits home. You know what their families must be going through, you know what's on the line for them. You see the people walking past making comment, you see the bloke that made a buck selling them chemicals having a joke. Suddenly they're not just 'that kid' anymore. And suddenly, being naive, narrow minded, young, sheltered, what ever it was that protected me from it before, is something id long to have. I wish i didn't know what could happen. I wish i didn't know the trade off's and risks. I wish people weren't so stupid.

New leaf/ Old leaf/ Continued leaf..

Looking back, the past 18 months has probably been the absolute biggest head fucked learning experience of my life to date. One, that however much i've learned from it i'm hoping it to be the last for a good couple of years. So far the actual 'becoming of an adult' so to speak isn't really anything to do with age. And it really isn't fun at all. You live, you learn, you love, you lose and you survive. I think this is the key. It wasn't until yesterday that i sat back and re-visited all the moments, things and people that i've come across to get me to the point that i am now and i realised - fuck yes. I survived. I am strong. I am confident. It's been one hell of a tough ride, but hey - you made it, all on your own. I have done absolutely everything possible that i can continue living my life and happily say i have no regrets because i gave it all my absolute best and 100% truthfully. In every way. And at the end of the day, when you chose to walk away, when you chose to leave someone, something, some place, you've done it because it was the right decision for you and if the people that meant something to you are no longer there, or no longer care, or you chose to no longer have, it's okay. Yeah, the past 18 months i could have probably done without, but in the end, it was just a very long winded way of getting to where i'm meant to be, and without it, i wouldn't have made the decisions to lead for the first time ever, quite happily back to the family home in a state that i never thought id be happy in and a course that i'd never thought i'd do. I am so happy to say that i am proud of myself and i've overcome things in the past 18 months in leaps and bounds that some people never bounce back from. I survived and i am so incredibly proud of myself.

Mid-year resolutions take two.

This is your life.
Do what you love and do it often. If you don't like something, Change it.
If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things that you love.
Stop over analysing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is, and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. 
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
So go out and start creating. Life is short.
Live your dream and share your passion.  
                                                     
                                             - The Holstee Manifesto

Dear me,

Today has been another of 'those' days. Once more, I'm left pondering and unsure of how you can be this way. Of how your thought process can be so daft as to continuously bring you to the same and seemingly almost only point of conflict - Why?

Once upon a time, 'why?' was thought to be a magnificent aspect of life, all the curiosities of the world, wanting to understand, wanting to learn more, hungry for information, whether it be useful or not, constantly needing to know. A truly wonderful trait in children.. however its becoming more and more apparent that it is indeed not a wonderful trait in adults.

Perhaps it has something to do with the things we feel we need to know that answer to are no longer as simple as 'Why do Eskimos live in igloos?'. Venturing into the unknown, even more complex than a sound understanding of astrophysics, why is it that we still find ourselves still asking that same question over and over again? We ask it of ourselves, of others and of situations.. all of which can be interpreted in grossly disfigured manners depending on our own state of mind and that of others at the time.

Why is that when you ask 'why?', your thoughts then lead you to wonder why it is that you're still asking 'why?'. The question itself is sickeningly recurring and disgustingly rhetorical at times. Yet still, even knowing this, you continue to lead yourself in circles. When does curiosity become a sense of need instead of a sense of wonder and excitement? How then do we stop or even forbid ourselves asking that one question?

Why don't you have the answers to 'why'?

x

What?

Today, i had so many thoughts running a muck in my brain i actually had drawn up a really good blog post in my head. You have no idea how super excited i was to be able to come home and write it because - as you can see - it has been FOREVER since i've actually had something to say. I had all these interesting thoughts and things to ponder on, things that i wanted to know more about, things i wanted to share, funny things that were happening, things from the past popping up, it was fantastic.

And now.. 

Now that i'm sitting in front of the computer, all eager to write a blog post, I cannot for the life of me remember what all these things were!!

I tell you what.. 

Brain.. you are killing me. 

At the end of the day, no matter how hard we try new things we all retreat to that base instinct and deal with it the only way we know how.

the journey..

i am..

A yacht.
Free, in the middle of the ocean. 

My mast tall, my body strong.

My sails are up, my captain ready to steer.

If only there were wind.. 

Man down.

Its like screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when its over, when its gone.. you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.
                                                    - Rhianna

It's hard to tell whether somethings should be left unsaid or if getting it out in the open will force you to clear your head. And sometimes, it's hard to tell if you've made the right decision regardless of which option you choose.

I am..

Happy. 

I am so, amolst overwhelmingly, happy and content with my life at the moment. I like where I'm at and where I'm planning to be. It's the best feeling i've had in a long time. 

I'm quite enjoying it. 

The stars are aligning..

Today started as an ordinary day. Then BAM! out of nowhere - everything fell into place. My plans changed and it all suddenly felt right. The little pushes of encouragement i'd been getting the past few months, the little signs, the wishing, then another incentive to add to the first two. A free cruise in the Caribbean with one of my best mates? Hell yeah. But it's not even that, for some reason today all the excuses and boundaries that seemed too large to overcome suddenly seemed minuscule. Why had i waited until now? Why had i never done something about this sooner? Suddenly, this isn't a hard thing. In the past 4 hours i've organised myself more than i have in the past 6 months! All signs point to what i should be doing. And that is exactly what i am going to do. Indeed, my favourite yetti was right - this year is going to be my year and so much fun. This year, the gods are on my side. x

Why Georgia, Why?

I am driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon. Just stuck inside the gloom.
Four more exits to my apartment but i am tempted to keep the car in drive.
And leave this shit behind.

Cause i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life.
Am i living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and fill the spaces with wood in places to make it feel like home
But all i feel's alone. It might be a quarter-life crisis or just a stirring in my soul.
Either way i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life.

So what? So ive got a smile on my face but its hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.
Don't believe me when i say i've got it down.
Everybody's just a stranger but that's the danger in going my own way. Guess it's the price i'll have to pay.
Still, everything happens for a reason is no reason not to ask myself 'am i living it right?'.

♥

we make mistakes.

When you can't take back what's been done, no words can be unsaid, no actions changed, theres nothing to do but let go. And while your heart may now be on a similar wave to your head.. you can't help but let hope get the better of you. Maybe one day they'll come back to you.