Feeling this.

I've always assumed we feel things for a reason. I'm feeling this way because this is happening and there are all these underlying factors that you can trace back to why you're feeling what you are. But feeling something that you just really don't know why is a hard thing to wrap your head around. Especially when you feel it one minute and don't the next. I wonder if sometimes we force ourselves to feel something when we don't. Or alternately, we subconsciously force ourselves to suppress feelings that shouldn't be. Either way, there seems to be a stigma surrounding what you should and shouldn't feel in near to all situations. We see psychologists and psychiatrists to try to understand why we feel the way we do, but should there really need to be a reason? Sure, our emotions come from a specific area of the brain and we all know that certain things can effect the chemicals that produce them. But why is it that as soon as something is unexplained, we're made to believe that there's something wrong with us. Why should they be suppressed or controlled? Statements made such as 'It shouldn't bother me, but it does,' - Who says it shouldn't? It bothers me, profusely, that we seem to be under the impression that it's wrong to feel a certain way in a given situation. Emotions are what set us apart from one another, our individuality. If you care, say so. If you dislike it, go ahead. If you're upset, be it. If you're happy, show it. If you're angry, it happens. Don't let them go unsaid. Don't be scared of the effect they'll have on others. It will only effect you more. Never apologise for feeling how you do. Never be ashamed. Never hide them. At the risk of preaching a form of hippy love, be free.

You know what -

Maybe i will dye my hair red.
Maybe.
Next week.
Maybe.

Somewhere, over the rainbow

Do people ever find their rainbow?
Are these make believe stories told to give us hope for something better? That though it hurts and everything's just turned to shit, don't worry - cause you're just one step closer to your rainbow! When? 
What if you've just accidentally walked straight past yours? Or what if you've just walked away from it? Then what? Do you get a re-run or a take 2? Or is it just tough cookies? 
Then i think of all the people that never find theirs. What if yours is all the way on the other side of the world? What if mines in Greenland? Should i go to Greenland just in case? What if you're too poor? But what if mines moved to Hawaii by the time i get there? How will i know that Hawaii must be my next stop? Do you have to just go without?
What if you find your rainbow, but your not their rainbow? Does that even happen? Or is it just a case of mistaken identity - on either behalf? What if it is a mistake and you never let go if it and your true one has just walked right on by? What if you were mistaken and walked away and you never get it back? How is that fair when both parties miss out? 
What if you spend your whole life searching to finally find it and then die? Do you die happy? Or die pissed off that it took you this long then you carked it? What a load of crock.
I hate all these 'half glass' analogies. I hate more that I'm one of the idiots that see it as 'half full' until proven otherwise. It's like I'm one of those douche bags that need to feel it for it to be true. How annoying is that? One of those douches that doesn't get why everyone else isn't a 'half full' sorta person. One of the douche bags that doesn't like these what ifs and coulda woulda shoula's when theyre so easily argued either way. What if it works/what if it doesn't? What if this happens/what if it doesn't? What if i decide this is what i want/what if i decide this isn't what i want? what if i feel differently/what if i dont? What if noone comes/what if everyone comes? what if i mess up/what if i dont? what if this is my calling/what if this isn't? What if i find something better/what if i never do? what if i was wrong/what if i was right? What if i regret this/what if i don't. What if, what if, what if.

Life's a bitch, i'm not sure why i keep forgiving it.

really?

I often wonder why so many of the people i know are so stubborn. I'm definitely one of the lesser, and i don't get what being stubborn does? Does it make you feel better? Do you just like being a pain? Do you enjoy messing up your relationships cause you can't be the one to say, oops sorry - I messed up?
I actually don't understand the art of being stubborn at all, yet so many of you do it.
From the outside in, it simply looks like you're making life an eternity harder for yourselves by forcing yourselves to stay grounded. Loosen up people!! Give things a go instead of pushing them away, go out even if you dont particularly feel like, get out the house, say yes or maybe say no for a change. Just go with the flow, don't make it into an issue. You guys drive me insane!

Not sure..

Can't seem to work out where all of my words have gone. 

Feel like i'm so tired i cant process thoughts, excitement, any emotion. Id much prefer to be writing something instead of whining or posting whatever song is stuck in my head. 

Come back please!

my empty promises lead to our demise.
i could never tell you how i really feel and for that i eternally apologise.
we were both selfish, but i think i was more.
thank you for showing me a part of myself that i had never seen.
we were young and dumb but it still was fun.
i guess these things just tend to fall apart.
i just hurt you and i never looked back,
now i have no logic to defend.
you seemed like such a big part of my life and my heart.
we were both selfish, but i think i was more.

so..

Alright, I lie. I'm not going to die my hair red. But that's only a slight change to the plan!