Hanging by a moment.

Desperate for changing. starving for truth. I'm closer to where i started, chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all i've held on to. I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you.
Forgetting all i'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation, if you'll take all of me now.
I'm falling even more in love with you. Letting go of all i've held on to. I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you. I'm living for the only thing i know. I'm running and not quite sure where to go. And i don't know what i'm diving in to. Just hanging by a moment here with you.
There's nothing else to lose. There's nothing else to find. There's nothing in the world that could change my mind.
There is nothing else.
Desperate for changing. Starving for truth. I'm closer to where i started, chasing after you..

A decade under the influence

I like the times when you feel like you just have to get back to your roots - music wise.
New styles and genres are always fantastic, they brighten your day and make it that little bit more exciting to be able to add new songs to the soundtrack of your life. But everyone has that one genre, one band or one song that ignited their love for music. For me, the absolute core of my love for music came from two bands - Blink 182 and Lifehouse. I don't think i have ever been more dedicated to anything as i was to Blink 182 in my teens. They started my day, rode with me to school, helped me through maths class, took me through the night and cranked my weekends. Looking back, my mother was admirable to have put up with Happy Holidays You Bastard starting her mornings as well as mine day after day.
Lifehouse introduced me to a softer, more melodic rock. I remember the day i first heard Hanging by a Moment. I was ten. Haha. It was my Mums birthday and we were staying at the Hyatt and Rage was playing it. For some reason, that song has stayed with me. It's my go to song when i'm down and it's my go to song when i'm on top of the world. And no matter how many times i replay it, it still gives me the same feeling.
Rock and punk have always been the heart of my music loves. Yesterday, driving home from what seemed to be the longest day on earth, i felt the need for some loud, off tune car sing-a-longs. Taking Back Sunday was my first point of call. I love the feeling when your screaming out the words to your favourite song all in the privacy of your own bubble-like car, feeling as though no one can hear nor see your off tune stage performance. No traffic light, main road or car along side of me could stop the words pouring from my mouth and the percussion of my hands on the wheel. I love the feeling it gives you when they come on your stereo and all words flowing straight through you as if you wrote them yourself. The beat of songs that you've loved for years taking over. Clearing your head. Grounding you. Getting you back to your roots and where it all began. It's the best sort of 'Me' time.

The C word.

I have a potty mouth. Something gained accidentally after living with a tradie.
But I hate the C word. One word i never use. I hate that i just used it to describe someone i thought i'd always think highly of. I hate even more that all the reasons i did are gone. Disappointment i find is something that hurts a lot more than any heartbreak, relationship demise or wound.

White Flag

Finally came to my senses.

The notion of being in love with a non existent being is confronting. When the love you feel is only from a fragment of their mind, not them as an entity. I'm happy with my life and myself. There is not a single thing i've regretted in my life and i'm proud to say that. I've taken risks, plunges and i've worked hard until the very end at everything i've ever done. Im at peace with the person i am, accepting i am emotional, i am strong, i am loving, i am caring, i am fun, i am intelligent and i am beautiful. I can count my friends on one hand, and i'm so extraordinarily content with that. A life is wasted when high and numb are the only sides of you. When you're ashamed of your emotions, your passion and your loving nature. When you look at what you've given up over the years for what you have, the lost friendships, lost loves and lost time, i hope you feel no regret. We strive for acceptance, from ourselves and from others. Reinventing ourselves solves nothing. You can change your hair, your clothes, your surroundings, your façade, but at the end of the day, you're still you underneath it all and always will be. You can hide, you can bottle it, you can be ashamed of it - but all you've done is made me ashamed of you.

why?

Why is it that the only time i feel right is at a time that you no longer want.
But at the same time still do.
Which is something i'll never understand.

Did it!

Yep, dyed it red. Whoop!

Big kid.

I've been looking through photos tonight and ive never really noticed that ive grown up on the outside too. Its funny how you never notice people or yourself changing until you look back. Even the slight ones all add up eventually, creating a bundle of little events that impacted your life to create the person you are today.

-Start of high school. New Friends. Pouty teenage angst. Myspace. First parties. Study stage. Dark hair phase. Getting plastered every weekend phase. Braces. Going out. Blonde phase. Brisbane. 7 years of little things that make me who i am today - 

Feeling this.

I've always assumed we feel things for a reason. I'm feeling this way because this is happening and there are all these underlying factors that you can trace back to why you're feeling what you are. But feeling something that you just really don't know why is a hard thing to wrap your head around. Especially when you feel it one minute and don't the next. I wonder if sometimes we force ourselves to feel something when we don't. Or alternately, we subconsciously force ourselves to suppress feelings that shouldn't be. Either way, there seems to be a stigma surrounding what you should and shouldn't feel in near to all situations. We see psychologists and psychiatrists to try to understand why we feel the way we do, but should there really need to be a reason? Sure, our emotions come from a specific area of the brain and we all know that certain things can effect the chemicals that produce them. But why is it that as soon as something is unexplained, we're made to believe that there's something wrong with us. Why should they be suppressed or controlled? Statements made such as 'It shouldn't bother me, but it does,' - Who says it shouldn't? It bothers me, profusely, that we seem to be under the impression that it's wrong to feel a certain way in a given situation. Emotions are what set us apart from one another, our individuality. If you care, say so. If you dislike it, go ahead. If you're upset, be it. If you're happy, show it. If you're angry, it happens. Don't let them go unsaid. Don't be scared of the effect they'll have on others. It will only effect you more. Never apologise for feeling how you do. Never be ashamed. Never hide them. At the risk of preaching a form of hippy love, be free.

You know what -

Maybe i will dye my hair red.
Maybe.
Next week.
Maybe.

Somewhere, over the rainbow

Do people ever find their rainbow?
Are these make believe stories told to give us hope for something better? That though it hurts and everything's just turned to shit, don't worry - cause you're just one step closer to your rainbow! When? 
What if you've just accidentally walked straight past yours? Or what if you've just walked away from it? Then what? Do you get a re-run or a take 2? Or is it just tough cookies? 
Then i think of all the people that never find theirs. What if yours is all the way on the other side of the world? What if mines in Greenland? Should i go to Greenland just in case? What if you're too poor? But what if mines moved to Hawaii by the time i get there? How will i know that Hawaii must be my next stop? Do you have to just go without?
What if you find your rainbow, but your not their rainbow? Does that even happen? Or is it just a case of mistaken identity - on either behalf? What if it is a mistake and you never let go if it and your true one has just walked right on by? What if you were mistaken and walked away and you never get it back? How is that fair when both parties miss out? 
What if you spend your whole life searching to finally find it and then die? Do you die happy? Or die pissed off that it took you this long then you carked it? What a load of crock.
I hate all these 'half glass' analogies. I hate more that I'm one of the idiots that see it as 'half full' until proven otherwise. It's like I'm one of those douche bags that need to feel it for it to be true. How annoying is that? One of those douches that doesn't get why everyone else isn't a 'half full' sorta person. One of the douche bags that doesn't like these what ifs and coulda woulda shoula's when theyre so easily argued either way. What if it works/what if it doesn't? What if this happens/what if it doesn't? What if i decide this is what i want/what if i decide this isn't what i want? what if i feel differently/what if i dont? What if noone comes/what if everyone comes? what if i mess up/what if i dont? what if this is my calling/what if this isn't? What if i find something better/what if i never do? what if i was wrong/what if i was right? What if i regret this/what if i don't. What if, what if, what if.

Life's a bitch, i'm not sure why i keep forgiving it.

really?

I often wonder why so many of the people i know are so stubborn. I'm definitely one of the lesser, and i don't get what being stubborn does? Does it make you feel better? Do you just like being a pain? Do you enjoy messing up your relationships cause you can't be the one to say, oops sorry - I messed up?
I actually don't understand the art of being stubborn at all, yet so many of you do it.
From the outside in, it simply looks like you're making life an eternity harder for yourselves by forcing yourselves to stay grounded. Loosen up people!! Give things a go instead of pushing them away, go out even if you dont particularly feel like, get out the house, say yes or maybe say no for a change. Just go with the flow, don't make it into an issue. You guys drive me insane!

Not sure..

Can't seem to work out where all of my words have gone. 

Feel like i'm so tired i cant process thoughts, excitement, any emotion. Id much prefer to be writing something instead of whining or posting whatever song is stuck in my head. 

Come back please!

my empty promises lead to our demise.
i could never tell you how i really feel and for that i eternally apologise.
we were both selfish, but i think i was more.
thank you for showing me a part of myself that i had never seen.
we were young and dumb but it still was fun.
i guess these things just tend to fall apart.
i just hurt you and i never looked back,
now i have no logic to defend.
you seemed like such a big part of my life and my heart.
we were both selfish, but i think i was more.

so..

Alright, I lie. I'm not going to die my hair red. But that's only a slight change to the plan!