moments.

I had a moment tonight. You know those ones that really hit home for some reason? I've seen a lot in the past few years, i've heard a lot, i've dealt with a lot. But maybe there comes a point when you just don't want to anymore. I'm not sure if it's a point that you can no longer hold that sort of emotion or one of resentment, or maybe you're switching off. I can't tell which way it's going to go. Working in a crazy club, surrounded by drunkards and people no longer on this planet, you see a lot of nasty shit, most of which while drunk having a good night, you rarely turn an eye to nor think twice about. But in a high volume club, most people coming through you don't know, most people you see it happen to aren't people you've known or seen grow up. Suddenly, when it happens to someone close or even just someone you know, someone you see daily in a small community, it all hits home. You know what their families must be going through, you know what's on the line for them. You see the people walking past making comment, you see the bloke that made a buck selling them chemicals having a joke. Suddenly they're not just 'that kid' anymore. And suddenly, being naive, narrow minded, young, sheltered, what ever it was that protected me from it before, is something id long to have. I wish i didn't know what could happen. I wish i didn't know the trade off's and risks. I wish people weren't so stupid.

New leaf/ Old leaf/ Continued leaf..

Looking back, the past 18 months has probably been the absolute biggest head fucked learning experience of my life to date. One, that however much i've learned from it i'm hoping it to be the last for a good couple of years. So far the actual 'becoming of an adult' so to speak isn't really anything to do with age. And it really isn't fun at all. You live, you learn, you love, you lose and you survive. I think this is the key. It wasn't until yesterday that i sat back and re-visited all the moments, things and people that i've come across to get me to the point that i am now and i realised - fuck yes. I survived. I am strong. I am confident. It's been one hell of a tough ride, but hey - you made it, all on your own. I have done absolutely everything possible that i can continue living my life and happily say i have no regrets because i gave it all my absolute best and 100% truthfully. In every way. And at the end of the day, when you chose to walk away, when you chose to leave someone, something, some place, you've done it because it was the right decision for you and if the people that meant something to you are no longer there, or no longer care, or you chose to no longer have, it's okay. Yeah, the past 18 months i could have probably done without, but in the end, it was just a very long winded way of getting to where i'm meant to be, and without it, i wouldn't have made the decisions to lead for the first time ever, quite happily back to the family home in a state that i never thought id be happy in and a course that i'd never thought i'd do. I am so happy to say that i am proud of myself and i've overcome things in the past 18 months in leaps and bounds that some people never bounce back from. I survived and i am so incredibly proud of myself.